Another alien invasion flick, another disappointment. Although, to be fair, C&A started off extremely promisingly. The idea of an alien invasion set in the late 1800s is a great concept because common awareness of the universe and the possibility of life on other planets came much later. If aliens did invade in those times, it's more likely that such attacks would've been ascribed to demons or Satan. But this is where C&A failed, for me. It's true, they do call the invading aliens as "demons", but not one of them showed that fear of the supernatural or turned to god, the bible or even a priest for assistance. They just picked up their guns and went to shoot the aliens down, like they were invading mountain lions.
Taking inspiration from one of my favourite websites, The Editing Room, where Rod Hilton writes brilliant and witty abridged scripts for movies as he sees them, I thought that instead of a review, this film deserved an abridged script.
Daniel Craig is not thrilled with his Queer Eye makeover.FADE IN:
EXT. ARIZONA DESERT
(DANIEL CRAIG wakes up in a desert with amnesia and a futuristic metal bracelet on his wrist)
AUDIENCE:
Daniel Craig looks freakishly plasticky
and has creepy eyes. Obviously he's the alien.
DANIEL CRAIG:
Actually, I'm the cowboy. Instead of losing my
shit at the sight of this incredibly alien piece
of technology that is at least 200 years ahead
of my time, I'm going to treat it as a slightly
irritating accessory and ninja-murder some extras
for fun.
Hmm, it says here on my Western Movie Checklist
that I've got to head over to the nearest tavern,
drink shots of whiskey through gritted teeth and
pick a fight in the town square with the local
asshole.
(He does so).
INT. TAVERN
DANIEL CRAIG:
Whoa fuck! Olivia you crazy creep, have you been
staring at me for the last ten minutes?
OLIVIA WILDE:
Yes. Both of us are looking for something.
DANIEL CRAIG:
Wow, that was deep. You should start a tarot
reading business.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE
(After more than half an hour into the film)
DIRECTOR JON FAVREAU:
(checks title of the film)
It appears that the movie title is Cowboys AND aliens.
Okay time for some explosions and alien ships that look
like trilobites, which will blow up the town and lasso
them a bunch of people! Woo!
(The town sheriff, the bookish innkeeper's wife and Harrison Ford's son (who looks suspiciously like Shia LeBeouf. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT) aka local asshole are all kidnapped by the aliens. Daniel's bracelet decides to wake up and shoots lasers at the ships).
TOWNSPEOPLE:
Nice bracelet you have there, Daniel! Despite
this being a back of beyond rural hamlet, we
wont suspect it to be a government conspiracy
or witchcraft. Carry on, good sir!
HARRISON FORD:
Standard issue legendary bad guy who likes torturing
people reportin' for duty. Graar, I encourage nepotism!
Rip that other man in half while we're at it!
DANIEL CRAIG:
Say Harrison, why is it that the coolly evil, sinister
and intelligent villains always end up raising dumbasses
for sons?
HARRISON FORD:
You whelp! At least I wasn't a pretend-bad guy in that shitfest,
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
YOUNG ORPHAN WHO WILL BE REPEATEDLY RESCUED DURING
THE COURSE OF THIS FILM:
Mr. Ford sir, did you not read the title of the film?
Cowboys are the traditional heroes which makes aliens
the bad guys so you tone it down and be Daniel Craig's
Sean Connery and a father figure to me.
(Harrison, Daniel, Olivia, Orphan and a Motley Crew of Townspeople whose relatives have been kidnapped set out on a mission to find these aliens that are using technology completely beyond their comprehension, and presumably wing it after finding them).
INT. INSIDE AN OVERTURNED RIVERBOAT
(Lone alien wanders around their camp and finds the young orphan. Instead of ripping him to pieces like it did to all the other people it encountered, the alien chooses to gently stroke the orphan's face. No, seriously).
ORPHAN:
HOLD ON A SECOND. ARE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING SPIELBERG
ALIEN? HOLY SHIT THIS MOVIE MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT SUCK
THAT MUCH!
ALIEN:
What? No, don't be stupid. I'm just passing time by
caressing your face till your rescuers arrive.
Okey dokey here they are, toodaloo kid!
(Meanwhile, the innkeeper is learning to use a gun).
PREACHER:
Dude, you must be the only innkeeper in the entire
goddamn west to not know how to use a gun. I'm a PRIEST
and I can shoot like an ace, for fuck's sake. When you
opened the tavern, did you expect to receive patronage
solely from society marms?
INNKEEPER:
Psh, whatever grandpa. You just made a heartwarming,
sagely speech. You know what that means right?
You just Samuel L. Jackson'd yourself.
(Alien shows up and kills the Preacher).
EXT. ARIZONA DESERT
(The aliens attack and the motley crew uselessly shoot at them with their shitty old timey guns).
MOTLEY CREW:
Hey Daniel, by all means continue to ride around
and admire the fucking scenery and NOT USE THE ONLY
GODDAMN THING THAT CAN DESTROY THE MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS,
YOU GORMLESS GARGOYLE.
(Daniel does so).
OLIVIA WILDE:
Oh, and Daniel, it'd be great if you and I could take
a break from this alien invasion thing and lovingly stare
into each others' eyes. It would be better if we could do it
in the vicinity of that alien that is definitely not dead.
ALIEN:
Yup. not dead.
(kills Olivia Wilde).
DANIEL CRAIG:
Nooooo! Not Olivia!
Wait a second, something's missing. Let me go through
my Checklist again: brooding gunslinger... check, gun-toting
female... check, small orphan... check, gang of outlaws
... check, Sam Elliot look-alike... check. Aha, I have it!
Apaches! Let's go find some.
(find some apaches)
Hey Apaches, we have dead Olivia Wilde with us and don't
quite know what to do with her.
APACHES:
Let's burn her and see what happens.
(Olivia Wilde comes back to life).
OLIVIA WILDE:
I have come from a place above the stars. My planet was
destroyed by these aliens who are looking for gold.
GET IT? GOLD RUSH? Anyhoo, these aliens are kidnapping
people to study human weaknesses. I know every thing
about the aliens and what that bracelet of your does and...
DANIEL CRAIG:
Wait a second, you raging twat. You KNEW exactly what
the aliens were up to and how to use my alien bracelet
as a weapon and you chose to shut your mouth all this
time when people are getting killed and abducted and
whatnot. WHAT THE FUCK?
OLIVIA WILDE:
I wasn't sure if you would've believed me.
DANIEL CRAIG:
Bitch I have a laser shooting bracelet on my hand, and
flying machines with demons in it blew up the whole town.
My disbelief got suspended 3 minutes into the movie.
Oh, also I still have amnesia and more that half the movie
is over. How can we fix it and fill in the backstory?
APACHES:
Native American medicine got that shit covered, brah.
DANIEL CRAIG:
I got my memory back. I just remembered how I got
my alien bracelet. Apparently I was in an alien
ship and tripped and my arm fell onto it. Thank god
aliens are total asshats who leave weapons lying around.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE ALIEN SHIP
MOTLEY CREW:
Yeehaw! Die aliens, die! Humans rule!
ALIENS:
Are you seriously killing us with spears and wooden
arrows when 50 bullets didn't seem to be able to do
the trick earlier?
HARRISON FORD:
Hey, Rule #1 of Invading Earth (Hollywood-Style).
Aliens are only invincible in the first half of the
movie. By the climax, they're worse than Stormtroopers
at surviving.
Besides, we're the Ewoks of this movie so you're doomed.
ALIENS:
Hmm, you're right. Besides, we don't know why we equipped
each of our crewmembers with weapon-bracelets powerful
enough to shoot down our own ships. And why the fuck did we
invent weapons when we have no way of centrally monitoring
them or shutting them down?
DANIEL CRAIG:
Rule #2, sonny jim. Only the absolute fuckwits of the
universe ever invade Earth.
The aliens realise the depth of their breathtaking stupidity and obligingly die.
END
